


The I-Dated-The-Protagonist(s) Club

by rewmariewrites



Series: Harry Potter Shorts [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M, Indian Harry Potter, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Not Canon Compliant, Past Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Past Hermione Granger/Pansy Parkinson, Past Hermione Granger/Viktor Krum - Freeform, Past Lavender Brown/Ron Weasley - Freeform, Past Ron Weasley/Pansy Parkinson, authorial intent is for suckers, harry is a little shit honestly, just for fun, lav and pav are the bitch queens everyone wants to be and im here for that too, lavender thinks harry is overrated and im here for it, luna is so so hot, viktor needs an Intervention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-17 10:36:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16093940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rewmariewrites/pseuds/rewmariewrites
Summary: Padma, from the other side of the table, heaves a sigh and says, “Didn’t we decide last time that ‘Tati and I don’t even count? And yet, here I am. Complaining about Ron fucking Weasley, five years after we finished high school, even though I never actually cared about him in the first place.”





	The I-Dated-The-Protagonist(s) Club

      “I hereby declare this meeting of the ‘I-Dated-The-Protagonist Club’, begun!” Ginny yells, sloshing her drink dangerously towards where a sleeping Lavender is face-down on the table.

      “Gin, Cho’s not even here yet, we can’t start.” Parvati says, longsuffering, from where she’s firmly attached to Lavender’s side, an arm around her waist.

      Ginny turns to her with a firm pout. “But Parvati, I’m already four drinks in. Pav, I’m _drunk_ . If she doesn’t get here soon I won’t be able to _complain_.”

      Padma, from the other side of the table, heaves a sigh and says, “Didn’t we decide last time that ‘Tati and I don’t even count? And yet, here I am. Complaining about Ron fucking Weasley, five years after we finished high school, even though I never actually cared about him in the first place.”

      “But we went on _a_ date, so we still _dated_ them, so here we are. We decided it counted after you left last time, mostly because if we didn’t count we wouldn’t be able to come here and get drunk,” Parvati is saying, but Padma is already shaking her head, holding up a heavily-ringed hand-

      “We could still come here and get drunk, but I wouldn’t have to sit here and pretend to _care_ about the Golden Trio for an _hour_ while we did it.”

      “It’s the _principle_ of the thing, Pads - aren’t you a Ravenclaw, don’t you care about things like that?” Parvati takes a delicate, pointed sip of her cocktail.

      “Merlin’s baggy Y-fronts ‘Tati, we’ve had this discussion _so many times_ , Ravenclaw is about _truth, integrity, dedication_ -”

      “Is Viktor coming this time?” Cho interrupts, sliding into her seat at the table like she had never not been there, tall red drink in hand. “His last owl said he would try to be here this time. I like Viktor, he buys me drinks.”

      “Yeah, that’s cause jocks are drawn to you like Blast-Ended Skrewts are to Hagrid,” Ginny laughs, “Which also explains why we keep having sex.”

      Cho goes bright red and says, primly, “I thought we were here to complain about our famous exes.”

      (“ _I’m_ famous,” Ginny mumbles into her drink. “We’re not exes,” Cho mumbles back, with one eyebrow raised in a way that _promises_ it.)

      “Oh yeah, _right_ ! I hereby call this meeting of ‘The-People-Who-Dated-the-Golden Trio’ to _order_!” Ginny yells, suddenly excited, slamming a magazine down in the center of the table.

      (Lavender doesn’t move. ‘Resting her eyes’, she says. Yeah, right.)

      On the cover of the magazine - _Witch Weekly_ , to be exact - is a photograph of Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy making out in an alley. Passionately. In fact, they seem to be about four seconds from one of them dropping to their knees and sucking each other off right in the alley. Which, _why_ . Apparation is a thing - a _great_ thing that means no one has to have sex in alleys, ever.

      It’s Cho who says this aloud. Everyone gives her a _hear, hear_.

      “But wait - does that mean we have to include Draco’s exes in the club? Is he a part of the Golden Trio, now?” Padma suddenly seems very concerned - there is a _gleam_ in her eye. No one trusts it, but everyone is too invested in seeing what it is that she wants to stop it.

      “Slytherins are hot. Exes should be in.” Lavender’s first (sleepy) contribution of the night surprises Parvati into raucous laughter.

      “Babe, can you say that while you’re dating me? I’m a Gryffindor. Wait, _you’re_ a Gryffindor. Aren’t Slytherins supposed to be our like, mortal enemies?” Parvati is _still_ laughing, a little.

      Lavender just flaps a hand at her, lazily. “Still hot. Like Viktor. Should definitely include.”

      “Wait, _Viktor_! Is Viktor coming?” Ginny shrieks, fifth beer in hand, stolen from Lavender.

      “That’s what I was _asking_!” exclaims Cho.

      “Ginny, you would be the one who would know if he’s coming. Didn’t the Holyhead Harpies play his team like, last week?” Padma raises a solitary, pierced eyebrow.

      “Oh, right. He’s not coming. He says to say… uh… Hermione’s way too smart and pretty. But also that he hates it, so he can still be in the club. Except, I’m pretty sure he’s _still_ in love with her, so that sucks, and that should be the topic for next month’s meeting.” Everyone nods. Being in love with a Golden Trio member is dangerous business, for the mind, body-

      “-and soul!” Ginny pipes up, before laughing until she’s gasping for air, “Get it? ‘Cause I got _possessed_ by Voldemort, when he was trying to get at Harry?”

      The people at the next table all look visibly alarmed, and turn to look at them.

      “Which is a _dream_ that I had, last night, obviously. Because I have nightmares. About Voldemort possessing me. But I’m laughing because Voldemort was wearing a clown suit, which is hilarious.” It’s really a solid attempt on Ginny’s part, considering she’s on her sixth beer. Where did the sixth one come from?

      “It’s funny because Voldemort doesn’t have a nose, so where would he put the red clown nose?” Cho adds, nodding somberly. The people at the other table get up and leave, quickly. “That went well, I think.”

      Ginny rests her head on her hands, gazing at Cho with heart-eyes. “I love that you’re ride-or-die for me,” she declares.

      “Slytherins.” Lavender pouts from where she’s rearranged herself to ‘rest her eyes’ on Parvati’s shoulder. The Healing program at St. Mungo’s has been rough on her - she’s been on the obstetrics rotation for like, _six weeks_ . That’s so many crying babies, _and_ screaming mothers.

      “You know, we should really wait on the Slytherins. If Draco and Harry don’t last, Draco should join our club, but otherwise we’re setting a precedent that we can’t hope to follow. What’s that Muggle saying - six degrees of separation? Soon everyone will be an ex of an ex of the Golden Trio, and then where will we be?” Cho is saying, taking pointed sips of her drink.

      “You know, I’m just going to call Pansy anyways.” Padma says, pulling out her cellphone.

      “Yesss, Slytheriiiiins, _hot_ ,” Lavender sings quietly, eyes still closed.

       “Ugh, that thing is _scary_ .” Ginny shies away from the cellphone but brandishes her beer in its direction, like the alcohol will protect her. “It just, like, _rings_ sometimes.” Everyone ignores her. She’s a Weasley, they’re _weird_ about technology.

      “It’s probably okay if you call Pansy for your club, she dated Ron that one time. And Hermione that other time.” Luna says, from _wherever the fuck she just came from holy shit_. Everyone clutches at their chest like they’ve just had a heart attack or their boobs are going to fall off. Padma doesn’t, because she’s better than that, but she does take a moment to look surprised before going back to her conversation with Pansy.

      “If Luna isn’t a part of the ‘Golden-Trio’s-Exes Club’, why does she get to come out every month?” Cho asks, genuinely confused.

      “Because I’m cute,” is Luna’s answer, and she bats her eyelashes at Cho just to prove her point.

      Cho goes beet red and takes a desperate sip of her drink.

      “ _Ooooo_ , looks like Luna’s been taking _flirting classes_ !” Ginny exclaims from behind her beer. “ _Hot damn_ , you’re going to have panties dropping all night if you keep doing that.”

      “That’s the plan. That, or I’ll go investigate the Wibbling Womp-Murker in the restrooms.” Her eyes are wide and earnest. Everyone at the table nods knowingly. The Wibbling Womp-Murker in the bathroom is a persistent problem, one that Luna’s been investigating for months. Probably. Honestly, most of them think that she just goes in there to make out with girls, but Ginny is adamant that there’s actually some sort of creepy little creature in there, so.

      “Oh, is this the new Witch Weekly? Daddy thought about printing about this in the Quibbler, but I told him we should wait because I wasn’t sure if Draco wanted to go public, yet,” Luna wonders idly, fingers trailing over the edges of the magazine.

      (Cho is smacking Ginny on the arm, repeatedly. “ _She’s so hot Ginny, for Merlin’s sake, holy shit, she’s so hot”,_ she whisper-screams. Ginny catches Cho’s hands and looks deeply into her eyes. “I know, dude. I know. It’s unfair. She’s, like, _so_ good in bed.” Cho looks like she’s gonna faint, and Ginny just keeps nodding passionately, saying, “Go for it dude, seriously, she’s _so good_.”)

      There’s a moment of silence before Parvati whispers, “Isn’t that Harry out there?”

      It is. He’s standing outside the windows of the Leaky Cauldron and looking in on them _, like a creep_ , while hunching his shoulders against the cold.

      “He came out _again_?” Padma says, stealthily replacing Cho’s almost full glass with her empty one, even while she keeps Pansy on the phone.

      “You say that like he doesn’t show up literally every time.” Parvati answers, finally prodding Lavender all the way awake. “I think we should talk more about how it looks like he’s trying to suck Draco’s dick through his face in this photo.”

      Luna nods in solemn agreement. Padma snorts so hard she chokes a little. Ginny is looking a little green around the gills, honestly.

      “Maybe we need to take up a group activity that isn’t drinking. Like yoga! We could take yoga. It could be a bonding experience.” Cho suggests, switching Ginny’s full beer for the empty cup Padma had given her.

      “I think you should take yoga.” Harry says, looming over the table.

      Everyone takes a minute to really think about the implications of that statement: all five of them (seven, including Luna and Viktor) lined up doing yoga, with probably the entire Golden Trio there, watching. _Vetoed, so much vetoed_ , someone says, and everyone nods in agreement. Harry is still too much of a creepy, moody guy to say things like ‘you should do yoga’, no matter how good his intentions are, and Lavender tells him so. To his face.

      “Aren’t you supposed to be the ‘Harry-Potter’s-Exes Club’?” He says, slinging his jacket on the back of Luna’s chair and sliding in between Cho and Padma. “Why are you mean to me, every day, all the time?”

      “Please, Potter, you’re hardly the most interesting one in the Golden Trio anymore, nor are you the center of _anyone’s_ world.” Lavender retorts, giving Harry some serious side-eye and twisting a curl around her finger. “I maintain that Ron is still hotter than you. He’s _tall_ , like Parvati.”

      “I love that you wake up specifically to insult him, Lav. It’s really hot.” Parvati is looking at Lavender with literal heart-eyes, and frankly, it’s pretty gross. Lavender stretches up and drops a perfunctory kiss on Parvati’s lips with a quick, “I know,” and a flip of her hair.

      Harry is leaning back and clutching at his chest, like Lavender has just ripped out his heart with her bare hands. Which, lets be honest, she has. “But Lav. Lavender. _Lav_ . I am uncomfortable? When we are not about me? And Pav - we share a _heritage_ . We’re both Indian, we’re both Gryffindor, doesn’t that merit _some_ loyalty?”

      Lavender and Parvati look at each other. “No,” they say in unison, flicking hair off their shoulders and giving Harry a look like he’s no better than the dirt under their shoes. Everyone at the table shudders in sudden remembrance of the days at Hogwarts when Parvati and Lavender were the Gossip Queens and To Be Feared - those were terrifying, horrible days. Granted, they never formally relinquished their crowns, so these are _still_ terrifying days.

      It’s Cho who’s said this out loud. Lavender grabs Cho’s hand across the table and looks deeply into her eyes. “ _Thank you_ ,” she says, with genuine feeling, “I _love_ being feared.”

      Luna looks up from where she’s been tying some sort of charm around Harry’s wrist, and points out, “You two would have done very well in Slytherin.”

      “We know. Thank you, Luna.” Lavender flashes a genuine smile at Luna, then purses her lips ill-naturedly at Harry. “By the way, why are pictures of you graphically defiling Malfoy all over the tabloids?”

      “Not that we _mind_ -” Ginny buts in.

      “‘Cause it’s pretty hot, honestly,” Cho finishes.

      (“ _I_ mind,” Lavender points out, loudly. She is ignored. Parvati hugs her close in consolation.)

      Harry goes as red as he’s able - it’ mostly noticeable at the tip of his nose and the apples of his cheeks. It’s adorable, really. “I don’t like _any_ of you very much.” Then, after a moment of consideration, he adds, “At least other people hero-worship me before they tell me they want my dick.”

      Ginny laughs at this, loud and hard and long, and Harry looks altogether too pleased with himself.

      “And that’s _my_ cue to leave,” Padma says, finally getting off the phone with Pansy. Everyone at the table makes kissy noises at her as she leaves, and she flips them a bejeweled V as she goes, blue coat snapping dramatically in her wake.

      “Well, at least someone learned _something_ from Snape.” Harry says, mostly under his breath. Everyone hears him. Everyone laughs.

      “Cho, Luna, take me home. It’s time.” Ginny says abruptly, when they’ve finished with their mirth.

      “Gin, why don’t you just come home with me? We’re literally roommates, and I’m sober, so I can Apparate.” Harry says, all good intentions.

      “Harry. My dude. My man. Brother of my heart, if not my blood. As much as I love you, and love living with you, I have no great desire to have _sex_ with you. Anymore. But I _do_ want to have sex with Cho and Luna. Preferably tonight, and together. So, I have to decline. Politely, of course.”

      Harry looks a little shell-shocked at the prospect. “Okay, uh, sure, Gin.”

      Cho honestly looks a little shell-shocked too, but relaxes a little when Luna smiles directly at her and says, in that quiet, earnest voice that only Luna can pull off, “I would be honored to have sex with you and Ginny tonight, Cho.”

      (“ _Oh shit, oh shit, Ginny, oh shit_ ,” Cho is chanting through her teeth as she’s smiling at Luna, and Ginny just keeps stroking her arm and saying, “I know, you’re welcome, I know.”)

      So they leave too, in a whirl of sickles and long blonde-red-black hair, and suddenly it’s just Harry and Lavender and Parvati.

      “So.” Harry says, eventually. He doesn’t say anything else. Lavender and Parvati _terrify_ him. He’s faced down Voldemort and _literal death_ , and Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil still make him break out into a cold sweat. Ugh, his hands are _clammy_.

      “Potter?” Lavender asks, to get his attention, after an _eternity_.

      “Yes?”

      “Can you explain to me exactly _why_ it is that _we_ are always the last three left at the table?”

      “Uh -”

      “Because I don’t _like_ it, Potter.”

      “Have you somehow become _more_ threatening in the last month, Lavender?” Harry asks,  trying to be cute.

      It doesn’t work. Lavender narrows her eyes at him, dangerously, and he scrambles to backtrack, eyes wide. “Because it’s really truly honestly a good look for you, and you are _very_ attractive while you’re being scary -” the eyes narrow further, and Harry’s voice takes on a distinctly high-pitched, panicked tone, “- _but_ my privileged, male, Harry-Potter worldview does _not_ matter while we are on the topic of your attractiveness, as we have discussed, so I think I’m going to go call Draco now because he’s _way_ less scary than you are _bye_ Lav and Pav see you next month itsalwaysapleasurebyyyeeee -” Harry is up, with his coat on, and scurrying away from the table before he’s even finished talking.

      Lavender relaxes against Parvati with a sigh. “That’s my _favourite_ part of the month.”

      “I know. It’s mine too,” Parvati says into Lavender’s ear, tucking a stray curl back. “Let’s go home?”

      “ _Yeessss_ , home, I’m _so_ exhausted that I could just go to sleep right here.”

      “ _You don’t say_ ,” Parvati exclaims with fake incredulity as she bundles herself and Lavender up for the short walk home.

      All-in-all, this month’s meeting of the ‘Not-Formally-Named-But-Definitely-Formerly-Dating-The-Golden-Trio Club’ was a rousing success. If only Viktor could make it, next time.

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on tumblr at and-still-not-a-ginger.tumblr.com!


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